Heart-to-heart

I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with hubby.

I was in tears when I got home from work after a very frustrating day in which I'd acknowledged that my gender dysphoria is not only very real, but is rearing its ugly head again in a big way. Hubby could tell I was upset about something, but I can't really discuss any of this with him yet. I know it's likely to be a deal-breaker for him, because he's very straight and whilst not overtly homophobic, he does seem to flinch whenever certain subjects come up.

So instead, I just blurted out that I'm sick and tired of hating my body; I'm sick of never, ever looking in the mirror or looking at myself in the bath; and I'm sick of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn't say exactly WHY I'm so uncomfortable with doing these things; perhaps he can just jump to the conclusion that it's because I'm currently overweight?

But the following morning I said that I wanted to go shopping over the weekend to buy some more androgynous clothes. Perhaps he might think that I want to do so to hide the bits of my body that look overweight; maybe he thinks I just like androgynous clothes, which is a reasonable assumption because I have dressed androgynously for years and have only worn 'female' clothing for work; perhaps he remembers what I told him a year or so ago about having wanted a sex change when I was younger. Who knows. But the bottom line is this: he's being quite sympathetic. He just wants me to be happy.

So on Saturday morning, we met up in the city (after he'd separately organised various outings for our daughters) and we walked around a bunch of clothes shops together. I was glad he turned up, because I'd spent the previous two hours wandering around clothes and shoe shops and was getting pretty tired & despondent.

We popped in to a well-known cheap clothing shop (Primark) and after a quick mooch around the ladies' section, we headed down to the men's section. I felt right in my element: the t-shirts here were funny, geeky, slightly in-your-face… in other words, they were ME! I was in 7th heaven!

I picked up armfuls of t-shirts (and Hubby picked one out for himself too) and headed gleefully for the tills. The beauty of having Hubby there was that anybody that might give a damn would presume the clothes were for him, so I didn't get any strange looks or anything. I felt so much better after buying some clothes I can identify with. Unfortunately I can't wear men's trousers (those bloody child-bearing hips again) but plenty of shops sell fairly androgynous trousers, such as jeans, in the women's section.

After that, we went to the ladies' shoes section (the men's shoes start in a size 6, and I'm a size 4/5) where I found some cheap Converse and Vans look-alike shoes, which I happily snapped up. Later on that day, Hubby and I went to a local shoe shop near our home where we went through the boys' shoes (which are masculine in design but available in small sizes - perfect!) where I explained to him that I want shoes that 'look androgynous, but don't make me look like a lesbian'. He even suggested a couple of pairs, and I would up buying a pair of black, white & red teenage-style shoes which I have been wearing almost exclusively ever since.

It's wonderful that he's supportive. I was feeling pretty good about myself on Saturday, because not only was I happier with the way I looked, but Hubby didn't seem to mind.

Or so I thought.

I've since come to the conclusion that he's being tolerant, but not necessarily supportive. A couple of days ago, we were on our way to our local supermarket when a woman walking in front of us turned round and shouted "Dave!", obviously at her son who was behind us. Once we were out of earshot I jokingly said to Hubby "Huh, does she think I look like a 'Dave'?" to which he too-quickly interjected "Now that you come to mention it…". He said it light-heartedly, but I know him very well and I took it as a sign that he's not 100% happy with what I'm doing, but is tolerating it for now; hoping it's just a phase I'm going through.

Shit, I wish I could talk to him about this. But I need to tread so very carefully, because I'm convinced it would be a deal-breaker if I were to transition.