So I spent several hours online last night researching FTM transitions, stories from transguys who have gone further than I have, and looking at clothes, shoes, binders and other tips for leading a less female life. There was some very interesting stuff, including elevator shoes & shoe inserts that would make me the height of a shorter male; and there were some very encouraging photos of the results that can be achieved from hormones and certain surgeries. All good stuff.
Whilst I've fantasised about being male all my life, and I always think of myself in terms of being a guy, I'm not yet certain that I want to go the whole hog with a physical transformation. I've had a couple of kids and would like more, but funnily enough, being pregnant, giving birth and breastfeeding my daughters didn't make me feel more 'female'. I just felt like a person who was doing these things as a way of having children and providing for my family; not as things to define me as a 'woman'. In fact, I felt very uncomfortable being in ante-natal classes with women, and I hated the maternity wards in the hospital. I felt so out of place!
If things hadn't worked out with Hubby, I would definitely have transitioned, most likely before turning 30. As a matter of fact, I've wanted to transition since I learned in my teens that it is possible, but what held me back was the fact that I am short, which was a major problem in South Africa (where I lived at the time). In South Africa, short men are treated like shit; even worse than women… and women are treated very shabbily. It's a very macho culture, all about the male ego, and I had some short male friends who suffered terribly because taller men would bully them due to their height. (I remember doing a management course at age 19 in which we were asked to list '5 characteristics of a good leader'. Most of the men in the class came back with 'he must be tall' - which shows that they only take you seriously if you're male and tall). Being short was the only thing that held me back at that stage.
And then I moved to the UK and happened to meet Hubby. It was fortuitous that he came along when he did, because it enabled me to do various things I might never have been able to do otherwise, such as have children. And the inspirational words from one of the FTM message boards I visited yesterday made me think that perhaps I can find a halfway house; a more androgynous outer appearance that is more comfortable for me, whilst still retaining Hubby & all we have. That is, if he can accept a more androgynous me. He's always loved seeing me in dresses; he's a boobs-and-bum kinda guy. But I realised today that wearing dresses or other female clothing actually feels like being in drag; and wearing overtly men's clothing & hairstyles with my current body shape makes me look like a lesbian, and I don't identify with that either. Whoo boy!
So at lunchtime today I spent some time in clothing shops, going through the men's sections. Some of the clothes were good, and some of the shoes too, but many of the shirts would look odd over my hips as they currently stand (my mother once very cruelly referred to me as having 'child-bearing hips', and she didn't mean it in a nice way). So I've thought that, for now, I should just buy geeky t-shirts and generic shoes such as Converses or Vans, to go for a more androgynous look, and then take it from there.
I also did a more sensitive 'brain gender' test mentioned in my previous post (the SAGE test, which asked questions about gender and sexuality combined) and that was the one that identified me as a homosexual male, with definite male thought patterns. The result of that test was so conclusive, so convincing, that I picked up the phone to make an appointment with my GP - the one who actually bothers to refer me for counselling etc. - to speak to her about my gender dysphoria so I can start getting professional help with this.
I know Internet tests aren't conclusive and should always be taken with a heap of salt, but the truth is that I have always identified as male and I am sexually attracted to men, and nothing turns me on more in my fantasies than picturing myself as part of a gay sex encounter. So the results of that test resonated with me as feeling 'right'.
I don't think there'll be an easy solution. I'm not looking for a magic wand. I have a great deal to lose, but also a great deal to gain. Most of all, I just want to be fucking comfortable in my own skin for the first time since I was little. Is that too much to ask?
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