Growing up transgendered back in the 1970s and 1980s was an absolute nightmare. I've told a couple of current teenagers & young adults what it was like to grow up in a completely hostile culture, and they seem bemused by the fact that any of us managed to survive. Whilst the current generation of trans* kids certainly have their problems, at least they're growing up in a society which has heard of trans* issues, so many of them are able to seek help. In some rare, precious, heart-warming cases, they're even getting help before the ravages of puberty get the chance to damage their bodies with the wrong secondary sexual characteristics. Good for them, and long may this trend continue.
But whilst some kids are lucky enough to have supportive families, many more trans* kids face rejection, humiliation or even violence from their families. Indeed, this was the case with my own upbringing: I first came out to my mother when I was 5 years old, having realised much to my distress that there were distinct social, behavioural and expectational differences between boys and girls… and that I was being lumped in with the wrong group. But this was in 1976, when pretty much nobody had ever heard of a 5-year-old girl telling her parents that she's really a boy, and actually being correct. So my mother dismissed me with an exasperated wave of her hand and declared that I was just 'going through a tomboy phase'. She assured me that I'd grow out of it and would eventually get back to being her pretty little girl again. She let me have a few small concessions, such as cutting my hair shorter and wearing (girls') shorts & t-shirts instead of dresses (except on special occasions where I was forced to wear dresses) but she left me in no doubt that these were only temporary indulgences and that I would naturally get back to being a girl in due course.
Well, that never happened. It's true that most tomboys grow out of their tomboy phase and become happy as girls and eventually women. In many cases this happens during puberty, when burgeoning hormones make most girls start taking an interest in boys…. and because of that, they start experimenting with being more girly so that they can attract those boys. But I never outgrew my 'tomboy phase'. And the confusing thing is: my own burgeoning hormones certainly resulted in me becoming attracted to boys, but as much as I wanted them I was never comfortable with them wanting me as a girl. The boys I could attract as a girl were not the sort of boys I wanted, as I realised aged 15 when an unattainable boy I was hugely attracted to came out as gay.
So puberty was extremely traumatic for me. Not only did I have the usual confusion about physical changes, emotional changes and my budding sexuality, but I became more & more horrified with each step my body took towards becoming more feminised. I felt betrayed by a body that was doing everything in its power to deny my identity and my attempts to pass as male. I could no longer convince the neighbourhood kids that I was a boy because everyone could see my curves, so I went into a period of wearing dark, extremely baggy clothing to try to hide what my body was doing to me.
In the meantime, there were several occasions in my childhood and adolescence when I repeated to my parents that I didn't feel like a girl, but each time I did so my mother in particular just became more exasperated with me. It felt as if she was blaming me for not growing out of my stupid tomboy phase already. Why couldn't I just get over this ridiculous, childish infatuation with being a boy and start being happy as the pretty girl she saw me as being?
But I couldn't. I've tried so, so hard for many years to figure out how to do exactly that, but I just don't have it in me. I can't be happy as a girl because I never actually was a girl, despite what my chromosomes might say. But all along, I grew up feeling I was the one in the wrong; that I was different from other people but more importantly that I was to blame for being different.
The awful fact is: this isn't just my experience. Mine is just one of many voices in the LGBT community telling of the severe damage caused by non-supportive parents. According to research (referenced in the document linked below), the way families respond to a child's 'coming out' can have a profound effect on that person's health - both physical and mental.
According to these studies, it's not unusual for unaccepting parents to try to force their LGBT kids to conform with hetero- and cisnormative behaviour. In other words: some parents try to bully their kids into being straight, thinking it's in their best interests to do so. They're worried that their kids are going to face difficulties in life if they're LGBT, so they try to force it out of them. Unfortunately, gender identity (like sexuality) is an innate part of a person's identity, so when parents engage in this kind of behaviour, the child can see it as a rejection of themselves as a person. This can lead to low self-esteem and self-harming behaviours. As a result, LGBT youth are almost 8 times more likely than non-LGBT youths to have actually attempted suicide, and are 6 times more likely to be depressed. I've suffered regular bouts of depression since the age of 7, and my first suicide attempt happened when I was 14... and it certainly wasn't the last.
Is it any wonder I felt such overwhelming despair? My parents were extremely dismissive of my identity from a very early age, and that led to many, many years of self-esteem issues. My parents and teachers left me feeling that I was in the wrong, and as a result I questioned my own worth as a person. It made me question my own identity, my sanity, my right to exist as a human being. And the more they fought against me, the more I bottled up my feelings deep inside, because I was a vulnerable child in a position of weakness, and they were in authority over me. But I just couldn't change who I am, no matter how much they wanted me to. All I could do was try to hide myself away until it was safe to come out.
So, if by any chance you're a parent of a gender-questioning child and you've happened upon this blog whilst trying to find out more info, please be very careful with how you respond to your child. You might think that you're acting in your child's best interests by trying to force them to be 'straight' or 'normal, but your child can't choose their sexuality or their gender identity any more than they can choose their race, or height, or favourite flavour of ice-cream.
Please remember that whilst it may be difficult for you to understand or accept what they're saying to you about their gender identity, it is vitally important for you to reassure your child of your love and support. Supporting your child does not necessarily mean agreeing with them (although that can be enormously helpful), but it does mean providing a safe, secure environment in which they can explore the truth of who they are. So please don't make them feel any worse than they do already. And please give this a read: Helping Families Support Their LGBT Children
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