Being ladylike

"That's not very ladylike!"

I was 8 years old. By this age, I've been refusing to wear dresses for several years, and was dressed in my usual summer T-Shirt-and-shorts combo.

I was sitting on the stoep* (verandah, porch) of our house with my feet on one of the steps leading down to our garden. My legs were spread wide open with my knees sticking out to the side. I've always sat this way (I still do today); I'm slightly knock-kneed which makes it uncomfortable for me to sit with my knees together, so keeping my legs spread open puts a lot less strain on my knees. Also, I just happen to like sitting like this. Is that so wrong? My mother had seen me sitting in my usual, comfortable way and decided that it Simply Wasn't Good Enough for her standards of what a little girl should do. So for the umpteenth time in my life, she told me off for not being 'ladylike'. 

Because you see, simply being comfortable rather than constraining yourself to certain standards of behaviour is wrong. Wrong for little girls, at any rate. Apparently, it's 'not very ladylike' for a little girl to sit with her legs spread wide. Because we all know that girls keep their private parts between their legs, and everyone thinks they have a right to dictate what females should be allowed to do with their private parts. My brother was never criticised for sitting the same way I do; despite the obvious bulge of his genitalia it was never 'not very manlike' for him to spread his legs for all to see. 

So… what did I learn about being 'ladylike'? I learned the following:

• Being 'ladylike' means being forced to conform to standards of clothing, hair, make-up etc. so that other people can be happy with your appearance, irrespective of what you might want. After all, your main purpose as a 'lady' is to prettify the place for other people's benefit. Apparently.
• Being 'ladylike' means never burping, slurping, farting, picking your nose, licking your fingers, or doing any of a huge number of perfectly natural things that human beings do. Nor should you ever discuss any of these bodily functions, because that sort of talk isn't 'ladylike' either.
• Being 'ladylike' means being berated every time you use strong language, because 'ladies' aren't supposed to swear. (I remember one time I was working at a company and the IT guy was in the room. My computer crashed, so I said "Shit!". He had the nerve to say to me, "Wow, watch your language, young lady!" to which I replied "I'm sorry, did I say 'shit'? I meant to say 'fuck'!").
• Being 'ladylike' means comporting yourself with grace at all times. You have to be very careful how you get into & out of a vehicle, especially if you're wearing a skirt, because it wouldn't be very 'ladylike' to flash a bit of thigh or underwear.
• Being 'ladylike' means shaving your legs and armpits religiously, because god forbid anyone should ever catch a glimpse of hair or stubble on you. They'll be sure to let you know about it if you neglect to keep yourself smooth as a baby's bottom (my husband used to bully me for years about my hairy toes. Now I'm quite proud of them).
• Being 'ladylike' means accepting second-best of anything on offer, and not making a fuss when you realise that this is all you're going to get. My brother was treated to private schooling and university education simply because of his XY chromosomes. I was pretty much abandoned because, according to my parents, a lady doesn't need an education because she'll graduate school, get a little job, and then marry the boss who will support her and her kids whilst she stays home & bakes cookies. Yeah. Thanks parents, that one worked a treat: I'm the main breadwinner, subsidising my husband who earns about half of what I do. But when I complained to my parents about the disparity of their investment in their children, they were up in arms that I'd had the audacity to expect that is should be treated as my brother's equal.
• Being 'ladylike' means biting your tongue when someone tries to 'mansplain' something to you. You may well know a great deal more on the subject than they do, but heaven forbid you should ever let them know that. Nobody likes it when some broad outsmarts them. 

Ugh. You can probably tell that I feel quite negative about a lot of the aspects of being 'ladylike'. That's because my parents, teachers and other adults used many manipulative and bullying tactics to try to get me to conform to their expectations of how a female should behave. But it's completely unnatural for me to behave like a female, so this caused me a great deal of distress over the years. Particularly the 'mansplaining' bit; that really used to get my goat. Well, OK, it used to annoy me, but I'd never let anyone get away with it. I'm not here to polish some other guy's ego. If I know more on a subject than he does, I've always been more than happy to let him know that fact. If he doesn't like it, then he should do his homework next time. 

If I had a penny for every single time in my childhood that my parents or some other 'authority' figure told me off for not being 'ladylike', I'd be able to buy Necker Island off of Sir Richard Branson and retire there today.

* If you know me from that well-known trans* support board, my current avatar pic is of me sat on that very stoep, albeit in a more 'ladylike' fashion than I might prefer. The reason? Just before taking that pic, my mother had yelled at me to pull my knees together so that I'd look more 'ladylike'.