The past few months have been a whirlwind of change for me, both positive and negative. In the spirit of starting with the good news and finishing with the bad news, here's what's been going on since I was last here:
Positive
- My kids are nowhere near as cruel towards me as they used to be. I went through about a year and a half of solid pain, rejection and heartache from my entire close family... but I've now managed to get over the guy I married, and my kids have realised that I haven't morphed into an embarrassing freakazoid. They've stopped being so fricken inhuman towards me, so things are definitely better.
- On that subject, I've stopped giving a crap about the fact that the guy I married is a stick-in-the-mud, grade-A grump who doesn't like going anywhere or doing anything. I used to get frustrated that he would moan and groan if I ever suggested going anywhere nice or doing anything fun (and my kids, I'm sad to say, have inherited or learned his behaviour). Now I just book a single ticket for myself and go regardless... because I'd much rather go do something fun on my own, than sit at home feeling resentful that I'm missing out on the fun things in life because the people who are supposed to care about me don't actually give two shits about my happiness.
- My transition is continuing apace - but boy, is it a long, slow process. I'm recovering well from the top surgery I had in February; the hormones are doing their job and each month seems to bring new improvements; and I've been referred to the specialists in London to discuss my bottom surgery options. There's a good chance that I'll have a definite plan for bottom surgery before the end of the year, which would be amazing.
- I now pass so well that it's very rare indeed that anyone misgenders me. I now only get 'the look' - that awkward stare that some cisgender people give when they think someone's gender is confusing (and that they think is oh-so-subtle, LOL) - only about once every month or so. I had one last week from some random guy in the town where I work, and instead of hurting me like it used to when I was early in my transition, I actually found it rather pathetic and hilarious. You see, a trans*person's discomfort with being at the receiving end of such a look is often due to some internalised transphobia or guilt. We've heard from society that being trans* is in some way 'wrong', 'shameful' or 'sinful', so under those circumstances it's only natural for us to feel... 'guilty' isn't quite the right word; perhaps 'culpable' is a better fit... when we're at the receiving end of such a stare. We feel that we have in some way 'earned' that stare by being different from the so-called norm, and it makes us feel invalidated, uncomfortable and inferior. Well... no longer. I've arrived at a place where I no longer feel that anyone is entitled to make me feel that way - and passing convincingly is the no. 1 reason for this improvement in my life.
- I started 'packing' earlier this year. If you're unfamiliar with that term, 'packing' is something that some transguys do to give ourselves the appearance of having a penis under our clothing. I was actually uncomfortable about doing this when I was early in my transition because I saw it as a reminder that something important is missing, but as my appearance seemed to cross the invisible threshold from female to male, it became apparent that my lack of a bulge had started to look out of place. So I found a very nice online adult shop here in the UK, and I bought the first in a series of fake, floppy, plastic penises that I can use under my clothing to give me a realistic-looking bulge. I now wear my packer every single day, and whilst I prefer to pack under most circumstances, I don't feel particularly self-conscious if I leave the house briefly without my packer to run a quick errand. Which is more than I can say about my binder: before I had top surgery, I could not leave the house at all unless I was wearing a binder to flatten my chest.
- I've been moving along nicely at work, and my MD has agreed to consider promoting me to the Board within the next few years. I've asked him to mentor me in this role, and he's agreed.
- Over the next month or two I'll be able to apply for a discounted Rail Card, which will entitle me to 30% off most rail fares! This is a major plus for me, because travelling by rail is actually my preference when I have any long-distance travelling to do, and I do this quite frequently. It'll be great to be able to get to some great places (such as London, Brighton and Edinburgh) for a very reasonable fare, instead of the eye-watering fees they usually charge.
- My self-confidence is growing and I'm pretty much ready to start dating again. I'm looking into registering with some online dating sites (and some popular apps for the phone), and perhaps going to some of the gay clubs in my city. Of course, dating is complicated by the fact that I still live with my ex and our kids, but I deserve to have someone in my life and I would be doing myself a disservice if I were to let them hold me back. If I can't get any love or affection from the people who are supposed to be giving it to me, I'll just have to widen my circle. As an aside, I haven't actually been to a nightclub, or on a date, since the 20th Century.
Negative
- I've been pretty nastily ill this year, due to recurrent urinary tract infections - the most recent of which was pretty darn scary and coincided with a tummy bug that knocked me for six for a couple of months. Apparently, it's not at all uncommon for transguys to have recurrent UTIs, especially before bottom surgery... because all the tissue down there tends to swell and change shape under the influence of testosterone which makes it much easier for bacteria to get into your urinary tract. Urgh.
- Despite my increased confidence, I still have three body issues that are holding me back and making me hesitant to live life to the fullest. They are: a) the acne I've been suffering, which often accompanies the hormone treatment I'm on - in particular, my back looks like I have the measles; b) I'm still a bit overweight and need to get back to the gym to work it off; and c) the scars on my chest from top surgery are still painful, angry and red due to hypertrophic scarring, which makes me a bit self-conscious.
- I'm struggling to find the motivation to go back to the gym. It's almost like I'm afraid of the consequences when I start working out & building muscle. My body seems to enjoy building muscle and puts it on with the even the smallest provocation... but my hesitancy is due to my fears about how my family will react. They've been so cruel, and so hateful towards me since I came out two years ago, that I'm frightened to further upset the status quo. I've faced a backlash from them each time my appearance has become more masculine, and I'm frightened that becoming more buff than my ex (which I could easily do if I wanted to) would cause all of them to react negatively. My ex has already tried what I call 'male dominance behaviour' against me (back when my appearance suddenly tipped from female to male) and I'm worried that this will kick it off again. And of course, my kids tend to get more distant whenever something changes, so I've been trying to keep any changes slow & subtle. But you know what? Fuck 'em. I have to swallow my fear and do it anyway.
- The discounted rail card I'm getting is... the Disabled Rail Card. I'm entitled to this because I've become so hard-of-hearing that I am being fitted with a hearing aid. I've had a very lonely year of being unable to hear conversations, footsteps, birds, and many other things. I've been turning up the telly to volume levels that'll make your ears bleed. I had the privilege of seeing Monty Python perform live at the O2 back in July, but I missed a good portion of what they were saying because I simply couldn't hear them. I've asked my GP for help with my hearing many times over the years, but it isn't until this year that I was finally able to get a doctor to take me seriously and refer me to the hearing clinic. I'm glad the NHS is finally getting round to helping me deal with the hearing loss I suffered in... wait for it... 1978.
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