Before I describe said bombshell, I'd like to point out that we have tentatively agreed to continue living in the same house until our kids have left school, which will be several years from now. We agreed that it might become difficult for us to remain sleeping in the same bedroom, let alone the same bed (to which I helpfully suggested that he's welcome to sleep in the shed any time he likes!) so there's a very good chance that one of us may move out within the next year or so. But we agreed that that person would move somewhere close by so that we can continue sharing joint custody of our kids with as little disruption to their lives as possible. The bottom line is: we're trying to continue functioning as a family unit until the kids leave school.
With that in mind... imagine my distress last night when Hubby announced out of the blue that he'd decided to book a family holiday in a couple of weeks' time... but I'm not invited.
Let those words sink in. A family holiday. With one very important member of the family deliberately and specifically excluded.
To say I was furious would be the understatement of the century. I was absolutely incandescent.
This is the third time he's done something like this to me, i.e. arranged something special for the family whilst deliberately excluding me. The first time was last Xmas, when he announced that he'd be taking our kids to see his parents on Xmas morning but that I wasn't welcome to accompany them. The second time was over Easter, when he did exactly the same thing. The third time's the charm though, and instead of simply being hurt like I was the previous two times, I turned my pain outwards and pushed it back towards its source: him.
I tackled him on various levels:
- That it is completely unacceptable, especially in light of the fact that we're doing our best to function as a cohesive family unit, for him to exclude me from a family get-together.
- That I'm utterly astonished at how he can think it's OK to treat me in this way, considering how upset I was at Xmas and Easter when he did something similar. He is repeatedly hurting me in exactly the same ways.
- That he really hasn't thought this through and hasn't considered the big picture, because I'm furious beyond belief at his decision and how does he think our kids will react to the news when they see how hurt and angry I am at the way he's treating me? (it's impossible for me to hide this)
- That he has absolutely no right to make unilateral decisions regarding our children and then inform me about them after the fact (or more commonly, for me to find out from the kids themselves). I am as much their parent as he is and I demand to be consulted on all important decisions.
- That he has put me in an impossible situation, because although he requires my consent to take the kids anywhere for an extended period (such as on holiday), he's made it impossible for me to withhold that consent without looking like 'the bad guy' in front of our kids. Because if I do so, I'm the one who ruined their holiday.
I told him that it isn't rocket science: all he has to do is talk to me before making any decisions regarding the kids. That's it. Simple, eh?
A year ago I would've just adopted the victim mentality: "Why does he always treat me this way?". But what's interesting about last night's little extravaganza is that I had the courage to call him on his bullshit and make him take responsibility for his actions. In the end, after calming down the kids, he said to me: "Boy, I'm really shit at this, aren't I?".
To which I could only - wholeheartedly - agree.
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