Hanging with the Chinese tourists

OK, so I understand completely that it's difficult for many people to understand what it's like to be transgender. For most people, our physical sex (i.e. our set of genitals) matches our gender (the way our brains perceive ourselves to be) so it wouldn't occur to many people that some of us have a different experience. So as a public service (you're welcome!) I thought I might try to give you an analogy that could help you along.

Imagine, if you would, that you're a person of Oriental extraction living in a Western country. Say, your grandparents came over from China but your parents were both born in the USA and so were you. Your grandparents wanted their kids to be 'real Americans' (whatever that means) and so they didn't teach them any Mandarin and they encouraged them to immerse themselves in American culture. Likewise you have been raised without any real reference to your Chinese heritage since your parents didn't learn anything about it themselves. You're American through & through and although you're proud of your Chinese heritage, it is in reality rather alien to you.

With me so far? Good.

Now, imagine that you then decide to go on a foreign holiday/vacation to a country where English isn't spoken but that by sheer coincidence is also frequented by Chinese tourists.You go to visit some tourist attraction (say, a museum) because you hear there's a good guided tour and you'd really like to see the exhibits. It's a former Communist country, and of course China is still broadly Communist so the cultural relevance of this place would probably be very different to a Chinese person than it would be to an American. And more importantly, the tour would be presented very differently to a Chinese audience (so as to not cause offence by criticising Communism) than it would to an American audience (who might enjoy seeing how Communism has failed).

So you turn up a little late (the American tour group has already gone ahead), and as soon as you get there the museum officials usher you into the Chinese tour group rather than the American one. You try to protest but nobody speaks English so they can't understand that you're really an American; they see your Chinese features and perceive you as being one of the Chinese tourists. The door is locked behind you and the tour starts.

So there you are, stuck in a place that is not culturally relevant to you. The language spoken is unintelligible to your ears; you can't read any of the material; and you have no way of making people understand that you're really in the wrong group and that you're uncomfortable at being treated as something you're not. Because just look at you; you are Chinese, right? Get a grip! Get used to it! Learn to deal with it! Start acting like it already!

So people will react with shock and discomfort if you try to get them to understand that you're not what they perceive you to be. They might even feel threatened, because this particular tour group is a 'safe place' for people who are Chinese, and you're an outsider. A foreigner. One of them masquerading as one of us.

Humans love to take short-cuts in classifying people. It's part of our tribal instinct and in ancient times it helped us identify friend from foe. So people make summary judgements about you based on what you look like, so that they can pigeon-hole you into a slot that is familiar and comfortable to them. At best, this helped us keep our families safe during ancient times. At worst, it has led to Apartheid and the Holocaust.

But sometimes, just sometimes, you really are an American of Chinese ancestry who needs to be treated like the person you know you are inside (American) rather than what you look like on the outside (Chinese). And it can be uncomfortable and even dangerous when people treat you as the wrong type of person.

This is what it feels like to be transgender.

People see you as being one gender because of your physical appearance and they expect (and need, for their own comfort) you to behave like a typical person of that gender is expected to behave. However, you really are something else, and other people can react with shock, discomfort or even aggression when you challenge their suppositions.

People also tend to believe that their own perceptions are more valid than someone else's assertions, which leads them to think that they must be right about you and you must be wrong. This is especially damaging to transgender children, as we're often told that we're 'wrong'; 'weird' or 'deluded' for thinking we're not what other people perceive us to be. This leads to feelings of isolation as we start to believe what other people are telling us - especially since it's very rare for anyone to meet another transgender person whilst growing up. So it's not unusual for a transgender to child to think we're the the only person in the world who feels this way so we start to internalise what other people are saying about us being 'weird' or 'wrong'.

But I have to ask: who is the expert on 'me'? Is it you, the person who gets to meet & interact with me occasionally, or me who is forced to live in this skin every second of my life?

My lived experience of myself is far more valid than anyone else's fleeting perception. So no, I'm not Chinese. Nor am I American.