Tonight, Hubby & I agreed that I should come clean with my kids and let them know what's been going on. It was one of the most difficult & painful things I've ever had to do, particularly due to their reaction.
They're not stupid. My daughters are 14 and 12, and they've known for some time that something was going on between Hubby & I. I've also been dressing in male clothing for several months now & have had my hair cut in a short, boyish style for a while, but I did these things to feel more comfortable within my own skin... and to help ease my daughters into the idea that I'm uncomfortable with doing 'female' things.
So we sat the kids down tonight and I started off by saying that Hubby & I have been having some problems within our marriage, which started about 15 years ago when I was expecting our eldest daughter. I gave them a couple of the more innocuous examples, one of which they already know about, but I told them from my perspective instead of from Hubby's usual perspective.
I said that we'd been trying to work on these problems for many years, but it has become graphically evident that they won't be resolved. I didn't pin the blame on Hubby anywhere near as much as he deserved, but the kids still presumed I was persecuting him. For example, I said we'd agreed before we got married that we'd have three kids and the first two would be born before I turned 30; we did have the first two before 30 but he was so traumatised by the circumstances surrounding our eldest's birth that he changed his mind about having the third one. (What I didn't reveal was that he had been dead set against having the second one and that he made it perfectly clear we were having her under his duress. It took him ages to warm to her as a baby, but luckily she was too young at the time to notice. She didn't need to know about that. Consequently, she thinks the sun shines out of the arse of the parent that didn't want her, and that the parent that wanted her from the start is a queen bitch. Awesome.).
I'd also said that we'd planned to stay in our current house for about 5 years before moving up the property ladder, but we're still in the same house we bought just after we got married. I used these as two examples of the sorts of problems that we've been unable to fix despite our (actually, my) best efforts. What I didn't tell the kids was that we haven't fixed them because Hubby changed the parameters of our agreement and didn't keep his word about the kids - he also refused to attend counselling to help him deal with his negative reaction to our kids; and that the housing situation is because he has never bothered to improve his qualifications so that he can make an equal financial contribution to our family.
So I said we've been going round & round in circles for years and we're not getting anywhere, so we need to consider whether there's any point in staying together. I then told them that there's another serious issue behind the scenes that may play a big role in that decision.
I eased them in gradually by explaining what I felt like as a young child, including the way I used to dress and the toys & games I used to play with, and how I became hugely uncomfortable with my body when puberty hit and my family & friends started piling pressure on me to conform with 'female' behaviour and presentation. I told them how betrayed I felt when my body changed, and I told & showed them some of the tricks I used to use to try to disguise my very obvious female features.
I explained how I'd felt miserable within my own skin pretty much from age 7, and how I spent my teenage years feeling depressed and confused until I read an article about a transsexual when I was 19. I realised immediately that this was what was wrong with me and I resolved to do something about it, but it was a daunting thing to think about at that age, especially with my mother suffering from cancer at the time.
I told them how I moved to the UK after Mum died and then I met their father within a few months of arriving, and at that stage I decided to just try and make the best of being female. Hubby seemed to like my features (even though I hate them, I do in fact have a good set of breasts and an attractive female body shape if you like that sort of thing) so I tried to ignore my dysphoria so that I could see myself from the perspective of someone who loved me & found me attractive.
I tried so damn hard.
And at first, it was OK. Hubby was loving and supportive so I could just about ignore most of my dysphoria so that I could enjoy being in love with him. But that was a very short-lived period, because he started to become distant when I was expecting our first child (about a year and a half after we met) and all of a sudden I started to lose the closeness we'd built up. Over the next 15 years he isolated himself more & more, and by 2006 he started pulling away completely because he had trouble dealing with me losing my job. I've always been the main breadwinner in our family and he's enjoyed a cushy existence while I've paid most of the bills; as soon as the responsibility fell on him he just couldn't take it.
What I didn't reveal to the kids is that our marriage was pretty much dead in the water by 2009 and I was seriously contemplating leaving him. He'd become not just distant, but emotionally abusive and quite nasty towards me - and the weird thing is, I have no idea why. I think it may be because I got very stressed in 2006 while I was going from freelance job to freelance job trying to keep our heads above water, and he didn't know how to cope with the stress I was experiencing. I think he just wanted me to be easy-going all the time, which I just couldn't do when I had insecurity and stress in my life.
But as I said, he'd started behaving almost like he didn't want to be part of our family, and certainly part of our marriage, between 2006-2009 so I was seriously contemplating my options when he happened to fall desperately ill in 2010. He suffered brain damage as a result of a serious migraine, and I dropped everything to take care of him and see to his every need. I more than went the extra mile to help him recover and to be honest, his illness was the only reason why we've stayed together as I do love him & I couldn't just leave him to struggle on his own.
He has made quite an improvement, but he's still unable and unwilling to improve on any of the serious aspects of our marriage that require work, so I'm tired of going over the same ground again & again, just to get more promises from him that he then immediately breaks.
So now the kids know that I have been suffering from gender dysphoria all my life. I explained that it's usually caused by one of two causes: genetic faults or hormonal imbalances during gestation. I said that the second one is what happened with me, and that I have been formally diagnosed by a consultant psychiatrist so it's a definite medical issue that I have. I told them that I have been referred to the gender clinic in London, where the next step is counselling to help me decide the correct path forward.
The kids were hurt & furious. I don't know how I expected them to take this, but I didn't expect the vehemence that they both spewed at me.
Both of my kids said that they wanted nothing more to do with me, that they wouldn't be there for me, and that if I decide to go through a sex change they would never want to see me again. Ouch.
My youngest asked whether I would start dating women or whether I would become a gay man. I asked her to think about what (not who) I married: a man. I asked her what that means about my sexual preferences. And she came to the correct conclusion herself, which I confirmed. And I corrected her by saying that it's not about 'becoming' a gay man, it's about honouring what I've always been all along by getting my exterior to match my interior.
I know they're raw and that this is a lot of information to take in. I hope they'll come round in time. I certainly know that my eldest daughter will sweeten up pretty quickly as soon as she wants some money from me, so hope springs eternal.
My youngest hit me with that old chestnut that I was born a 'woman' so that's just what I am and I just need to learn to deal with it. I told her that I've been trying to 'just deal with it' my entire life and it's gotten to a point where I can't deal with it any more, but it really hurt to have someone so close to me exhibit that perspective on the situation. Besides, nobody is ever born a woman. I don't know about you, but I was born a girl. At least, physically anyway.
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